Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in ricky201's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
12:03 am	Whatever... As days go by I seem to hate everything about me more and more. As I learn more things about myself, the more enraged I become at the person I have become. At work it's like I put on a damn mask all the time just to make sure no one throws me a sympathy party for me. It seems that the mask is starting to crack...day by day. Shit I've already had a major breakdown at work...and good lord it was the most embarassing thing on earth. I hated the way people felt sorry for me, I even hated the fact that I had to switch with Jeremy for guest attendant over cashier just because I couldn't take any guests bullshit that day. I hate how weak I am, and how mean I've become. People always tell me that it's so much easier to be positive than to be negative...and really that works for about 6 hours. It's sad that even when I try to be positive, nothing good comes out of it. Is it so hard for me to think positively about myself? It seems like all I do is fight with myself and battle about what decision I'm making is right. And I never draw a conclusion, there is just always a "what if?". This brings me to tommorow. Which I've already talked about before in here...but still. I am so scared of how I'm going to do on "Yesterday". I just wished I never forgot about that lesson I had with my vocal lessons teacher...such a big mistake. I honestly didn't mean to either, I was under a lot of pressure and I wanted to relax. And I guess in the mist of it all...I completely forgot about the vocal lessons. I'm gonna try to convince Mr.Giles that I made a mistake about not having rehearsed it with my vocal lessons teacher again. So I can get at least one extra day. I just really screwed up. God...I'm so tired of failing. And I'm tired that one mistake I do, just follows up and crushes my plans. I don't know how to feel about myself anymore. If I blow it tommorow I'll be embarassed to ever sing in that class again. This is one thing I can't blow...I dunno maybe I'm making this into a bigger deal than it really is. For once I just want something to go right...and lately it doesn't seem to be working that way for me. Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: The Beatles - Yesterday (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 19th, 2004
12:49 pm	Wow everyone is inactive today So I woke around 11:30 today and from the get go I've been praticing my solo song for tommorow. I'm still pretty nervous about it...who knows what will happen. All I can do is not focus on it while I'm singing...only way to settle my nerves. Everyone is very quiet with me all of a sudden. Well it's not just today, its been going on for awhile. I dunno it's like these people don't find me very interesting as they once did. Then again I think everyone is just being nice to me and giving me sympathy. I dunno what to think of some people sometimes. I mean at times they act like we're best friends...then they don't talk to me for awhile. Maybe they don't talk online that much. Meh my feelings on this situation change everyday, so who knows. I have to work 6-10 today for this chic Danielle. I kinda wish I didn't do that looking back on it. I mean yeah I don't have enough hours for the week...but how often do I get the chance to have a full 3 day weekend off? I haven't even had one day of the weekend off since I started working in late August. Oh well, hopefully I'll start to become less paranoid as the day goes by. And hopefully it will be a good day at work. Lets hope it is anyways... Current Mood: weird Current Music: Nelly Furtado - Try (Comment on this)
12:31 am	Been a long time I figured I'd write something out before this stupid computer says I didn't log in *rolls eyes*. Stupid computer...anyways dang it has been a long time since I wrote this. It's been an odd few months since I started working. Even though I met some real kickass people. These two guys I work with Jeremy, and Kevin are super cool. And this one chic that is at the registers all the time, Mykel, is rad too. I really learned a lot from them. I kinda look up to both the guys because they are a lot more carefree than me. Besides the fact that they are giants, it's pleasing to know that there are some mature teenagers out there. Mykel is cool for the fact that she is just my buddy, and really isn't fake like some of the people there...which names will remain annoynomous (sp?). Oh well who gives a flying fuck about my spelling haha. As long as you can sound it out!!!! I really have been trying to play the guitar more and more and more everyday. It's getting hard because I'm learning that I have been procastinating on a few songs too much. I guess that's not always a bad thing...but it's been far to long. And I need to put more than 2 hours a freaking week. It needs to be AT LEAST 13. Lately it's been hard to keep up with that...because school has been drowning a lot of us with final's. It's severely gay (if anyone gets offended by me saying that...cry about it). I'm singing a song on Tuesday...I'm severely scared about it. Not for the fact that I'm singing it in front of the entire class...and I'm the first one to sing. But more for the fact that I forgot what my starting note is. I should be alright though...once I know the note I can pretty much go accapella from there. (Accapella is pretty much with no accompanimant...even though it's required to have accompanimant) I dunno how well I can hit the song off with it only praticing it once with my vocal lessons teacher on the piano...it's fustrating. I'm praticing it over here...and honestly I rather just do it without anyone backing me up...isn't that weird or what? It's usually easier for others...but I've been able to sing the bass parts for the "Star Sprangle Banner" by ear. So I think I'm ok. OH YAH! Before I leave...one big detail. There is this stunning...drop dead gorgeous girl I met. Her name is Inna. She's only about 5'1-5'2, she's shy, and has a real nice personality. I think I might ask her out to dinner and a movie this week. Then if things go well I might ask her out. And BOOM we're a couple. I'm really head over heals for this chic...she is just so damn beautiful. Ahh...she's in my choir class too...so I want to impress her with my song (the song I'm singing is The Beatles - Yesterday). That is another reason why I'm nervous, I really like Inna and I don't want to embarass myself in front of her. Oh well still got another whole day to practice the song. Please wish me luck with the song...and with her! I'm trying to get to the top in my trials for a music career, while also tryin' to get a Valentine...I know...it's beautiful thing isn't it? haha. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Berlin - Take my breathe away (Comment on this)